“Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been, to stand up taller than you ever were”

Googled the phrase: “relationship changed with parents when having own children”. Found out that it is a quite ordinary thing that could happen.

I feel comfused and disappointed by the way it happened so suddenly without any warning and over a silly thing, I do know that I play a part in this, and for that I do not put any blame on you. 

I know that the way we plan and live our lives me and my husband is not the usual way to live, but it has been done before by others with and without kids. And I know it may sound like I don’t appreciate the way I was brought up when I talk about our decisions and ways of raising Pelle, but I know you did the best you could with what you had to work with and I am thankful, because it has made me the person I am today. And I do love being me.  

I wish that we could talk about emotions and ask questions when we do not understand each other and I wish that we could respect the fact that we are individuals with different aspects and point of views instead of assuming and blaming one another for “being this or doing that”. 

I look at the fact that I am falling back in the same patterns as I use to act when it comes to a conflict with you, something I’m not proud of but aware of. I tend to yell and almost stamp my feet in the ground and get so frustrated that I end the call abruptley without any warning. I find this very sad and I will do better from now on. 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to be handling this, I have been feeling a lot of guilt and shame for the way I have acted in the past when we had an argue or an issue, I’ve had the feeling that I wasn’t allowed to be angry or to raise my voice. We were not good at handling conflicts, and aren’t still. I have now learned to stand up, and to be honest with how I feel and I do allow myself to be angry and to speak up. 

Now that I feel I do have the right to stand up for me and to live life the way I want to, I believe I’m doing the right thing and are making the right choices for us. I will give my child a life of freedom, fresh air and adventure. No he won’t get to have a lot of things, because it won’t fit in the small space of a boat.  But if you are interested in being a part of his and our lives you are welcome to visit us and hopefully we can still visit you and other people we know who lives in a house or an apartment, and P can do all the things like riding a bike or climbing a tree when we’re not sailing. 

I know that all of this is a way to tell me that you are worried and that you care, but it hurts like h*ll when you told me that you couldn’t see P anymore because we will move aboard. And I still can’t see the problem with that, since we spent almost all the time of the last season in the boat. I respect that you feel that way, but I don’t agree.

I hope this isn’t happening to everyone as a new parent, it really knocks you down when you, like me, always have felt like I was having an over all good relationship with my parents. I’m sure this will solve and we will get through this stronger and more loving. 

I realize I am a grown-up now and I will handle this with awareness and love. 

Tomorrow I will make that call… 

Good night/morning, have a lovely week! 

Marica 

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